My Response to Attarah's Free Write

Attarah,
This narrative has a kind of wistful tone that I think you could build on to make it carry more weight. I love the speaker's wish to belong to the "Breakfast Club" and her snore in the back of the car; also, the line "it always confused me why white turns black". These all convey the internal thoughts of the speaker and I want more of that. Perhaps you could elaborate on why Jonesboro is boring to her.
There appears to be a discrepancy in the speaker having cried in the beginning when her father died and not having ever known him at the end. I think that needs some clarification.
Overall, this draft already has some good imagery and just needs enhancing. Nice job!
Pauline

My Response to Ray's Free Write

Ray,
This is a funny sort of cameo that has potential to become a very humorous, or serious poem. Right now, I'm not sure which you mean it to be, for the last stanza confuses me. I do like how you specify brands in the second stanza and would like to 'see' even more detail, perhaps even an interesting story about when the "pink Durexes" failed.
I can't picture a "touch of innocence" wrapping and suggest you use another noun--perhaps "A pinch" or something sexually suggestive.
Also, I think you left out "us" to follow "shield" in that stanza, didn't you? And just what are the lingering fallacies of life?
In spite of these issues, I enjoy the tone and subject matter of the poem and think you have created something worth expanding. Keep "golden wrapped magnums" and "lubricated desire" though. Nice work!
Pauline

Junkyard Quotes--Week #15

…the universal joy of jelly.”

Sam Bompas, author of “Jellymongers” on the Today Show.

“Your baby looks just like a hot-cross bun!”

Me at the bakery cooing over a baby with big, blue eyes set into a round face, with light shining on her nearly in the shape of a cross.

“She’s an anti-fashionator!”

Fashion expert talking about Princess Ann’s hat at the Royal Wedding.

May 1^st is Holocaust Remembrance Day.

My calendar.