My Response to Attarah's Free Write

Attarah,
This narrative has a kind of wistful tone that I think you could build on to make it carry more weight. I love the speaker's wish to belong to the "Breakfast Club" and her snore in the back of the car; also, the line "it always confused me why white turns black". These all convey the internal thoughts of the speaker and I want more of that. Perhaps you could elaborate on why Jonesboro is boring to her.
There appears to be a discrepancy in the speaker having cried in the beginning when her father died and not having ever known him at the end. I think that needs some clarification.
Overall, this draft already has some good imagery and just needs enhancing. Nice job!
Pauline