Stupidity
It is constantly there
for all to see,
although some do not.
Like we used to be,
they are oblivious.
It is painful to look at
but necessary.
How could you have . . .?
Why didn’t I. . .?
And then there is the refuse pile
of all the burdensome consequences.
One of us rummages through it
while the other
wanders
back into
oblivion.
Pauline, this piece is quite interesting. The word "Stupidity" is so blunt and frank, is that what you intended? I would suggest more subtle but adamant words like "Ignorance" or "Naive". The lines: "they are oblivious" and "It is painful to look at but necessary", are examples of telling instead of showing, try and think of a more creative way to express oblivion instead of actually saying it. Also, pain can be transformed into such vivid imagery, work on developing that pain so that it shows how it is necessary despite the circumstances. This can be articulated by maybe an example or action, the main purpose is to show, don't tell. Aside from those obstacles, this piece has the potential to possess distinguished character.
ReplyDelete