Just for fun...
Retirement
Just down from Peppi’s Pizzeria,
next to the Tug ‘n’ Tote bag stand,
Cara Cara Navels squat shamelessly
in sunny, money-drenched La-La Land.
Shoppers stare in senile stupor
at the sumptuous, orange orbs,
and wonder if such exotic luxury
within their budgets might be absorbed.
With limps and wheels and canes they come
to stock up on their cream of wheat.
Their baskets brim with deli-fare,
‘cause cooking went the way of sweet.
Eyes bulge with mingy anticipation
of tropical gastronomic delight,
sensually sucking on succulent navels
while waiting to fall into fathomless night.
Pauline, I really enjoy reading this draft, so much that I have read it three times through now. I think my tongue enjoys the way you are playing with words so well in this piece. You do a very nice job with manipulating the language in a way that benefits you. The piece works nicely with heightening and demanding the use of the senses in places like: "Shoppers stare in senile stupor" or "sensually sucking on succulent navels", I am so jealous of both of these lines. I also like the way that you have taken a very common act (retirement), and transform it into something new, something fun, something very intimate- not reclusive. You also did well minding your P's and Q's, as well as using concrete imagery-Well done!! :)
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