I really enjoy your specificity in this draft, Sydney, and the humor of the "sneeze" factor countering the drama of a breakup. Favorite lines:
"bucking your ego against mine"
"odd pubes patched in the small of your back"
"pointer fingers as wiper blades"
"lost in a wrinkle of regret"
Problematic for me, however:
"skin leopard" on a "pasty frame"?
"calcium stained teeth"?
"play-doh mushed into mold"
this could be contracted into "play-doh molding into the very nothing you are"
Another contraction might work in "rustled laughter like the falling leaves"
Great word coinings in "chesti's" and "crink"!
Can't wait to see the rewrite on this one. It's rich!
"bucking your ego against mine"
"odd pubes patched in the small of your back"
"pointer fingers as wiper blades"
"lost in a wrinkle of regret"
Problematic for me, however:
"skin leopard" on a "pasty frame"?
"calcium stained teeth"?
"play-doh mushed into mold"
this could be contracted into "play-doh molding into the very nothing you are"
Another contraction might work in "rustled laughter like the falling leaves"
Great word coinings in "chesti's" and "crink"!
Can't wait to see the rewrite on this one. It's rich!
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