MacKenzie,
I think the syntax of this draft is concise, but I had to read it three times for clarity, I think, because the speaker seems to be talking to herself through the pronoun "you." I like the detachment of the third person voice in the last sentence and wonder if that might work better throughout. Since the theme speaks to the sacrifices of the mother for the daughter, perhaps you could expand on that by revealing the relationship of the "man in the attic" to the two women and what role Jesus plays/played in his life. Just a thought.
I love the moth imagery for "man" as well as "hands sprung like bows."
Nice work so far, but I'm hungry for more info.
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