Attributes of a Snake
Bold and beautiful is the black snake
that slithers through my garden
in search of moles down holes under
maple trees. It glides like the birds fly,
straightforward and confident, though
it knows not what lies ahead. Nothing
fazes it, not even the whistle of wind
in the pines or the curious cat who toys
with its tail. It does not fret the rain
or rebuff the heat of midday sun, and
during wintry months, it creeps into
nooks and crannies, up trees and rock
piles to hide or hibernate. Like
a vagabond lover, it is not friendly,
does not stop to talk or tell its story;
it merely skulks from one place to another,
sheds old skin for new, and leaves only
a trace of remembrance in the grass.
I think that this is a nice start to a draft. I wonder however, if "[b]old and beautiful" is the right description to start with. It seems to fall short compared to the other descriptions like"[i]t glides like the birds fly" and "[l]ike a vagabond lover." I can't help but to think of Plath's Medallion" every time I read a poem contributed to a snake. I wonder what you might take from her that could improve this draft? Perhaps expansion could help. I, personally, would like to see more description of this snake that you have conjured so well and more unexpected language/comparisons throughout. Good luck and I look forward to the next draft.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Brandy, in part. I'm a little in-between on the opening line. I think the description does isn't quite up to par with the rest of the draft's descriptions; however, I like the idea of introducing the attributes of a snake as "[b]old and beautiful" because although one may generally see a snake as 'bold', not many typically classify snakes as 'beautiful'. Nonetheless, your work never ceases to amaze me. You've got the talent, for sure. I love the way the speaker describes the snake as a 'vagabond', so cool! I think, for me, the best part of this draft starts at the line: "Like / a vagabond lover." I say this, because I think from that line and following, there is a descriptive and tonal shift in the speaker. By this, I mean that there seems to be more interest in the scene. I find myself wanting to know more about why this snake is likened to a 'vagabond lover', why it doesn't "stop to talk or tell its story." More so, I'm interested IN the fact that the snake HAS a story to tell... that's a really cool idea. Like Brandy noted, I, too, look forward to the next draft. :) You're a rock-star, Pauline.
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