I like the apocalyptic tone of this draft and how it "answers" Alberghotti's poem in a rebellious way. The words "burning" and "sit" appear twice--both could use a metaphor or simile. In the last line, "bloodthirsty rays" works well to make the sun like a predator instead of a nurturer. Overall, it is a good expression of an alarming scientific reality; however, I think some rewording with less frequent use of passive voice and even more descriptive words,possibly astrological terms would give it more impact to the reader. I see a lot of potential in this draft to become a great poem. Good luck!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Week #5--My Post to Kris' Free Entry Week #5
I like the apocalyptic tone of this draft and how it "answers" Alberghotti's poem in a rebellious way. The words "burning" and "sit" appear twice--both could use a metaphor or simile. In the last line, "bloodthirsty rays" works well to make the sun like a predator instead of a nurturer. Overall, it is a good expression of an alarming scientific reality; however, I think some rewording with less frequent use of passive voice and even more descriptive words,possibly astrological terms would give it more impact to the reader. I see a lot of potential in this draft to become a great poem. Good luck!
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