Metaphors
by Sylvia Plath
I’m a riddle in nine syllables,
An elephant, a ponderosa house,
A melon strolling on two tendrils,
O red fruit, ivory, fine timbers!
This loaf’s big with its yeasty rising.
Money’s new-minted in this fat purse.
I’m a means, a stage, a cow in calf.
I’ve eaten a big bag of green apples
Boarded the train there’s no getting off.
Birthday Lament
by Pauline Rodwell
I’m a carrier of three scores,
A biddy, a redundant baby-boomer,
A fruitcake headed for the dustbin,
O fossilized nut, wizened, silver sage!
This RAM’s full of former names and places.
Bones click-clack in the middle of the night.
I’m a fogey, a has-been, a grandma-type.
I make senior look effortless before noon
Starting Act Three there are no more Intermissions.
Pauline,
ReplyDelete(I love this exercise, it's great fun). Anyway, I think it is a great tie-together using "three" in both the first and last lines, and interesting that you first chose to replace "nine" simply with a different number. The phrase, "redundant baby-boomer" is really a mouthful, and the first few times I read it out loud I tripped over it. I haven't decided whether I like that (the sounds together do form a bouncy, staccato effect), or not (it was somewhat distracting). I also think that your use of the verb "click-clack" is rhythmic and surprising. I noticed that a few of the piece's middle lines slant rhyme (sage/places, night/type); this is something I definitely think you could focus on and extend through the next revision.