Sunday, February 27, 2011

Week #7--My Post to MacKenzie's "Calisthenic"

MacKenzie,

I admire your imaginative ability to ascribe so many descriptive details to such an ordinary task. Your use of alliteration is impressive, and your verb choices add imagery. I think some of the longer phrases could be shortened or rearranged to sound more concise--i.e. lines 1 and 2 could just read 'The scrapple-factory job just didn't work out.' Also, I would omit "across" in line 6, "dead" in line 12, "the cherished" in line 26,and "but" in line 27.

Perhaps an emotional reference back to the scrapple factory at the end would add even more human interest to the subject matter. As a whole, your draft is rich in possibilities to make a great read. I look forward to the rewrite!

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