Friday, March 25, 2011

Week #10—Improv

Summer at Blue Creek, North Carolina

                        by Jack Gilbert

There was no water at my grandfather's
when I was a kid and would go for it
with two zinc buckets. Down the path,
past the cow by the foundation where
the fine people's house was before
they arranged to have it burned down.
To the neighbor's cool well. Would
come back with pails too heavy,
so my mouth pulled out of shape.
I see myself, but from the outside.
I keep trying to feel who I was,
and cannot. Hear clearly the sound
the bucket made hitting the sides
of the stone well going down,
but never the sound of me.

         Six Months on Pembroke Road

                                                     by Pauline Rodwell

There was no indoor toilet at my grandparents’
when I was five and would need to go during
the long, English winter night. Down the stairs,
through the kitchen, past their bedroom into
the damp night air. To lift the latch on
the wooden door of the outhouse. Would
shiver till my teeth chattered so loud my mother
standing outside the door would hurry me to finish.
I remember her voice but not my own. I keep trying
to hear it, to know if I even made sound. How quietly
we tiptoed back upstairs to bed, closing our
ears to the ghosts of her childhood,
whispering from the walls.

2 comments:

  1. Pauline,
    Your mimicry of Gilbert's sort of confessional nostalgia comes across extremely well. I also like how your title provides a placement for the piece, which then is not referred to in the body. Your step by step imagery also works ("down the stairs, through the kitchen...lift the latch...tiptoed back"). One thing I would recommend paying attention to is line length. Some of them seem to drag out longer than they should (such as the one starting "I remember"). This is really a great draft though, keep it going.

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  2. Wow, Pauline. Just wow. Great work here. My grandparents didn’t have an outhouse and they didn’t live in England, but I can picture it all perfectly here—and you did it in so few words, I am thoroughly impressed. The hint of something greater than this slice of life moment, right there at the end, ties the whole thing up nicely. The only thing I would request of this piece is maybe just a little more. Maybe a description of the outhouse itself. I’ve got this feeling of the absolute cold so perfectly—I want to know what the wood felt like. Were the speaker’s feet bare or did she put on slippers? What did the outside smell like at night, what did the sky look like? Just a bit more. You’ve got a great draft going here.

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