Elizabeth,
You have some nice lines in this draft. Line five, "aching at the thought of absence" is my favorite.
You have copied verbatim "the horizon's white sails" and "they who never even knew us" but I would prefer your own language in their place, something perhaps that clarifies who the "you" of line one might be and who the "they" of the last line might be. I like the sand and sails imagery but need more pointers to make a clearer meaning for the poem.
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