MacKenzie:
You have some nice alliteration in this piece-- "anticipatory ache," "brittle broom bristles, and "clouds of chalk"--and several more that tickle my tongue. Others, like "big beautiful body" and "burning blue fluid" sound vague and unequal to your more descriptive alliterations in the draft. "[R]ed robust lungs" might be overkill but your 'foreign' imagery is quite entertaining.
"Berta" and "Bertha Weathersbee Elementary" are too close in spelling, as the similarity made me wonder if you had mispelled one or the other. Obviously, the janitor lady would not be likely to have the school named after her, but I think a different name might save confusion.
I realize you have copied the narrative structure of Fairchild's poem, but I think dividing yours into verses might make some of the more colorful language stand out; however, it's a great start as it is now and you have written some very imaginative text.
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