This revision really does read much better, Sydney, and as Emmanuel says, makes more sense. I think your changes have made the sensory aspects even more delectable, and the speaker's jealous innuendo adds an emotional complement. I see an opportunity to implement a few end rhymes, if you are interested in doing that:
Crowded musk,
sweat rolled in summer dust,
damp earth and the harsh seeds
of the Silk Road--cardamom,
coriander, star of anise.
I see additional possibilities in "school" and "girl," "red," "thread," and "breath," "now" and "mouths." One benefit of this would be to employ harder consonant sounds at the end of the lines, but it reads nicely just as it is. Very nice, indeed!
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