Tim,
The phrase, "to sky into the granite awning
of midday smog" paints a clear picture, as does "his frame hunched in the ochre telescope of age." Very nice imagery. Describing T-ball players as birds with party hats aiming for pinatas stretches my imagination but 'shows' much better than 'tells.'
Problematic for me is "baby teeth" on a "beer bottle." I can see them on the cap but fail to grasp "teeth" on the bottle itself.
The meaning of the "brown drop" escapes me and perhaps that's my ignorance showing. I enjoy, however, all the alliterations and think some expansion on the father-son relationship could only make it more interesting to read. Also, the form could be broken into stanzas to make it read less vertically. I think it's a great draft to experiment with in that sense. Nice work!
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