Tim,
There's wonderful wording in this draft, like "to the shrug of a planet" and the metaphoric "insincere chemise" of summer. I also like the phrase about underwater screams sounding like "fake thunder" and the final "descending into stars."
What I don't get is the connection between the jet takeoff and the drowning. The speaker seems to go inward too soon to let the reader know anything about who he's talking to (internally, I assume) and what brings him to think what he's thinking. Some expansion and elaboration would be helpful, but I suggest you keep the introspective tone and just clarify the significance of the 'watery' parts.
No comments:
Post a Comment