Elizabeth,
There's a childish tone to this poem that seems overshadowed by the past tense. Why not write in the child's voice and in present tense so the excitement of Easter morning becomes more vivid and not just a flashback? I love the second verse's imagery of armless dolls and the sonorous treats of "discarded" and "carnage"; "armless and harmless" and many other goodies.
Problematic for me: "sotto voce" after whispering seems unnecessary--one needs to retire. Also, the line: "Lust snatched crumbling sleep from my eyes"--has too many unrelated connotations of sexual desire, theft, and the Sandman. I'm just not sure these fit together well for a child's awakening.
It's a nice start to something good. I hope you continue to work on it and share it with us.
Pauline
No comments:
Post a Comment