You have some catchy phrases in this draft, MacKenzie: "The Campbell's-can war will be waged in stages" and "tuck Doc Holliday's wet cough behind your ear" and I agree with Tim that you should keep "bloom the color of buttercups" imagery. Although the subject matter makes me queasy, I think this draft has terrific potential to portray a meaningful story about a novice hunter killing her first deer.
I like "quivering bowstring thumb" but am not sure "steamy belly" works as well. Playing with the format might introduce new possibilities. Good show!
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